The Syndrome Syndrome and the Rise of the New World Disorders

You May Have a Disease You Don’t Even Know About

Photo by Myriam Zilles on Unsplash

Here’s a fun test for you: if you can read the rest of this paragraph without tweeting, texting, or thinking about crop circles, there’s a good chance you do not have ADD, ADHD, or any other recently-identified medical condition.

That’s the good news.

The not-so-good news? The overwhelming number of disorders, dysfunctions, and syndromes popping up daily make it almost impossible to understand exactly what condition you actually have.

As a concerned citizen, humanitarian, and Johnny Depp look-a-like, I’ve decided to go beyond my SAHS (Social Activist Hesitation Syndrome) and actually do something about it.

Below, you will find my guide to 14 of the most recently identified medical conditions. Study them carefully. If you have one of them, please check your health insurance policy immediately to see if it will cover the cost of the medicines you will soon feel compelled to buy.

1. CFSUD (Chronic Facebook Status Update Disorder): A debilitating disease that shuts down the immune system whenever a person’s need to change their Facebook status update supersedes their need to change their underwear, breathe, or have a meaningful conversation with another human being.

2. RAQS (Reflexive Air Quote Syndrome): The simultaneous extension of the index and middle finger of both hands to signal to anyone in one’s visual field that the word or phrase about to be spoken is either inconsequential, hyper-inflated, or attributed to someone from an opposing political party.

3. TGRES (Teenage Girl Rolling Eye Syndrome): The upward, lateralized movement of eyeballs in the presence of parents, teachers, or guidance counselors in the still forming cerebral cortex of teenage girls. Or like, whatever.

4. CPD (Compulsive Photoshop Disorder): A distortion of the visual field in which people, objects, animals, or natural expressions of Mother Nature are perceived to be deficient, requiring immediate digital manipulation.

5. MPS (Marital Projection Syndrome): A compensatory nervous system reaction triggered…